JEN JIM

its unbelievable how a person can be so cold,

unbelievable how a person can just walk away,

unbelievable how they just say certain words to keep you around but when they are bored they walk away.

unmistakably i let myself get lead on, and now i can’t seem to grasp what error that i have written on my face. 

am i not pretty enough, or artsy enough, do i need more make up on, does my clean beauty not satisfy you enough, yet you lied to me and continued to do so, 
yet you gave me a gift as a peace offering…and yet i was fooled until i found out what you did.

left me to be with another girl, maybe she’s prettier (yes she is) maybe she can run into your level ….

i don’t know what to think anymore and all i want to do is escape this cold city
escape somewhere that i know i can start fresh and rename myself and not be able  to look back…but if i stay i will remember everything…i want to forget! 

got the notification ringer XD

fuck T.T internet connection at work sucks ass T.T ~.~

gonna try design my own tumblr page T.T..these themes suck 

I’m on tumblr and at work at the moment… i have a lot on my plate I’m working 7 days a week.. paying the school…got no time to hang out… guy ..this guy broke up with me at first i was like wtf! then i was like wat ev move on.. with guys its easy to move on ..but with my ex the only girl I’ve been with is hard..

like i want it back to how it was before..holding her from the back while she cooked ..give her kisses.. message her ..be there for her when she was sick..

but it ended because she didn’t see what she had in front of her…i basically gave her everything and spoiled her now I’m like FUDGE THIS!!! 

T.T life is so complicated…but at the same time i make it complicated.. 

To cry
To smile
To hold in all those emotions
To later just break down in the lonesome darkness
Hold back
Hold you
Hold emptiness
You scold me
You left me
You hurt me
No more of this

the past is the past for a reason it dosent matter if it was a day ago or a year ago its the past..yet i look back to it..and yet i feel guilty for all the crap i have done…things happen for a reason, yet i feel as if i moved them too fast…

 i read in her blog “i feel sad that my girl broke out with me because I was totally stupid acted like a retard kid. But I still love her and i wouldnt forget when I kiss her, holding hand, cuddle so much and also her lovely smile T.T. And I wouldn’t find perfect woman that I love. “ 

”Last week, my mother want talked with me that she haven’t told me before what I have. she said that I have autism since I was a kid. she said sorry, forgive me and that how you behave is and the way to speak and you write. “

 I read those things and i felt bad…but then again..where would our relationship go…i believe no where, y because i felt while we were together we were getting at no where we weren’t moving or anything.. i still care for her a lot and that moment i saw her after we broke up my heart skipped a beat and i know she saw me also…i gave up so quickly because she didn’t see what she had and didn’t try hard enough to be with me..felt as if i was doing all the work.

love what is love (not the song)…is it a type of connection and security u feel with the person, that you know that they will not hurt you in any way, that you know they have flaws and don’t act all perfect for others but act as themselves and you still appreciate and care for them. thats my definition …

i accept and accept and when i do something wrong or they do something wrong i break it off…i do the breaking because it be easier for me to get over it..because if they break me…..i wouldn’t be writing anymore but talking to a therapist in a white room….im not insisting I’m insane..just that I’m very sensitive that anything can trigger me back to those days where it was nothing but darkness.

i care for a lot of people but never cared enough about myself..and when i began to see what i wanted and became selfish and started to care about myself i was looked at as an enemy..when is the time where people would just stop and look at the person in front of them and just say…”your perfect how u are don’t change”…never liked it when a guy would tell me wear a dress you look nice in one…and i did it anyways knowing i be uncomfortable…even she still did it…i like wearing my jeans and a tee-shirt my sneakers and also combat boots once in a while, my definition of being feminine is dress how u feel comfortable…if i wear a dress is because i want to not because u want to see how i look in one…i’ve learned to love myself to the point I’m growing out my hair to how it was, to the point that I’m dressing my age..i dress up when the occasion begins.

One thing i will say IM A COMIC VIDEO GAME NERD!! love it or hate it
i love reading dc comics marvel comics
i love my x-men
i love my batman, cat woman, poison ivy, joker, harley, etc
i play horror action video games
i skateboard when the occasion comes…..

if a guy or girl can’t accept that than..what is the fucking point! I’m being selfish if u care as much i care for u we equal, and we respect each other than the match is perfect
but i will not wear a dress because u want to see me in one..get used to the jeans and tshirts….

this one guy like a fucking movie T.T showed up at the park recognized me, it was the day i had a fight with my girl..because she didn’t stop me didn’t apologize..because she called me annoying just because i wanted to see a bit more of her…he changed me and with him everything is easy…. 

2011 disappointments, laughs, new friends, exploration, new love, idiots..

went through a lot of exploration to find myself being in the same position as before,
things have changed I’ve grown, Im more understanding, I’ve learned to love someone rather than myself.

fell in love with a girl, i say girl because she wasn’t a woman, she acted like a child and blew the relationship.

i met someone new, sounds like a movie,
he found me at the park drawing, that same day she broke my heart and stepped all over me. he was an old middle school buddy, he gave me advice we kept in contact and i began to see her again…she still didn’t understand why i was the way i was with her so i broke it off, gave her a second chance and she did it again, so i broke it off again..and now I’m here with someone new who treats me well and understands.

im in between sexualities, but in some fucking way i feel like love has no gender, i fell in love with her and only her, i kept my eyes on her and protected her, after her i couldn’t see my self with no other girl….so i moved on…i stayed single i played the field with my old friend, we didn’t expect for us to have feelings for each other and now we are together, yet i worry for her sorry ass, i saw her once and i just felt everything again..but i let it go, she doesnt know what love is or what is was i showed her she rejected it, so i just let go and moved on.

I’m trying to make this new relationship work, and it is working we are fine, it feels right but then again…im afraid its too good to be true…am i used to the life i had at home, my father showing me that men have no heart, and to be afraid of when they become too nice are they doing something wrong…ive been protecting myself  for so long I’m at a point where I’m just going to let go and just go with the flow and just let it be…

I’ve had fond memories with my exes, they were great at some point, they made me who aim today, they showed me some parts of life, one showed me the arts, another how to love, another the reality of it all, the last one how sometimes people are idiots and not to cry or over react over someone and just let go.

I’ve met people in my life time good and evil, the evil people molded me into someone that dosent take crap from anyone the good showed me that there is hope…

I’m more open minded, more easy going, more relaxed to an extend, and more sociable.

2011 taught me a lot so did 2009 and 2010…what will 2012 show me….i believe the word is RESPONSIBILITY! no more depending on others going to try and do somethings alone make my money and finish school…